Thursday Thirteen #9 ~ You Know You're Old When...
I've noticed a few things about myself in the last couple of years that have made me go "Hmm...". Actually, it was more like "OMFG, I'm getting fricken' OOOLLLDDD!!!" Can you relate? :)
You know you're old when:
1. You find gray in your hair. And not just one strand. Multiple strands. You try plucking them out, but the damned things GROW BACK! So you try to color your hair to cover them until you finally surrender, wearing your gray as a badge of honor. Or at least, that's what you tell yourself.
2. You suddenly begin to like coffee when you're entire life was spent gagging at the taste of it. Yup, this one happened to me. I became a coffee drinker over Easter weekend this year. When the heck did this happen? I've always LOVED the smell of the stuff, but never EVER the taste, not even with cream and sugar. Then I had a few white chocolate mochas at Starbucks which are YUMMY, and suddenly, I've learned the magic of Coffeemate creamer... Now, coffee is a staple of my (and DH's) mornings.
3. People call you ma'am. I realize people do this without thinking, as it's just something to say when you don't know a woman's name. But what about "Miss"? Unfortunately for me, I haven't been called "Miss" in a coon's age. Probably why I love going to the local Mexican joint, because at least those Mexican servers call me "Senorita", regardless of my hubby and gaggle of rugrats.
4. With each child you have, your body stretches even more out of shape. So I was never "in shape" to begin with. I've always been "fat" and overweight my whole life. But I look at pictures of myself before I had my kids and I weep.
5. Your legs look like a roadmap. "Oh hey, is that the Georgia turnpike?" No, you idiot, it's my veiny legs! I don't know what happened, but after incubating my four spawn, I've got veins poking out their heads all over the damn place. And am I the only one who's foot looks like hamburger? I swear, it literally looks like I have a sprained ankle through all the "bruises" on my foot. Nope, just those damned veins my spawn decided to rupture for me.
6. After you've had said spawn, your body no longer acts like it used to. Once you've given birth, ain't no goin' back. Things are stretched ain't supposed to be stretched. No longer can I "hold it" as well as I used to. 'Nuff said.
7. You shudder at the thought of wearing a thong or any other kind of lacey, chafing undies you might have to dig out of unmentionable crevices, in favor of either A.) cotton briefs or B.) Granny Panties.
8. You think cotton briefs couldn't possibly BE Granny Panties. Which again, of course, is a lie we tell ourselves. Because men view any panty that isn't a thong, lingerie, or one of Victoria's Secrets as a "Granny Panty".
9. You can no longer shop at Victoria's Secret because the "secret" is it's only for skinny women. It's a "Granny Panty" catch-22.
10. Your kids talk to you about things you have no fricken' clue what they're talking about. You're not even sure if they're speaking English. And this is a sad moment, when you realize you are no longer "hip", "cool", or "in the know". You've become an "adult" who doesn't understand the "kids". I think I actually had a moment of silence when this happened to me. Shocked silence. Like with my jaw on the floor. I think I heard crickets.
11. You enjoy watching the news. Remember the days of "Oh, man, Mom and Dad turned on the news"? Yeah, say goodbye to those days, you fogie. You've become your parents.
12. Your body starts creaking and aching in places you'd need an anatomy book to name. Knees, shoulders, back, neck... Whatever it is, your body is yelling at you, "You're OLD, man! Quit doing sh*t like you're a 17-year-old."
13. You find older men extremely attractive. When you were a kid, I doubt you were looking at men above their 30's. Now, you're drooling over men upwards of 50-60-70+. Yup. You've become one of those "yucky" old folk who love to have sex.
And there you have it, 13 ways you know you're fricken' OLD.